Tonight! John Kerry walk away with it in an election that was not as close as anyone predicted. I’m Chris Matthews! Let’s play Hardball!!

(cheesy credits)

Tweety: Andrea Mitchell! What happened?! Kerry walked away with it!

Mitchell: Well, I think that some of us just thought that–

Tweety: You mean some of you closet Republicans! You’ve been downplaying Kerry since the beginning, you crazy witch! Every single debate you hedged this thing like it was even! Kerry could have ripped out Bush’s eyes and peed on his brain in the third debate and you would have said that Bush looked very Presidential with wet hair! Your credibility is shot!

Mitchell: Well, I just think–

Matthews: Zip it, pinchy! Joe Scarborough! You predicted Bush would win with 565 electoral votes! How stupid do you look right now?!

Joe: Well, Chris, I don’t think I look stupid. I mean, after all–

Chris: Don’t look stupid?! I’ve seen invertebrate sea sponges with more smarts than you! You’re like that kid who always used to talk tough back in the day, back in my old neighborhood, and we’d get these kids against a wall, and we’d smash their skulls in for being mouthy, and then they’d run home crying to mommy! That was back before Tip, when I worked with the Speaker. Great guy! Not like you, though! You gonna run crying to mommy?!

Joe: (Runs from set, sobbing)

Matthews: Howard Fineman! How are you feeling right about now?!

Fineman: (Pause) Well, Chris, I’ve thought, since about three weeks ago, that if Bush didn’t pull it together, he was in trouble.

Matthews: Gimme a break! Howie! Howie! You’ve had your head so far up Bush’s butt you need oxygen pumped in through a bizarre CO2-O2 converter bladder! It’s a wonder your glasses aren’t smeared with Presidential poo!

Fineman: Chris, that’s not true. If you look at my reporting in May–

Matthews: Speaking of May! Bush May let you continue to stimulate his prostate gland with your pinkie if you write one of those fluffy ass-kiss pieces you call journalism! You should do it, too, ’cause you ain’t working this town for a while! Gotta put bacon on the table somehow!

Fineman: I…I…

Matthews: Ron Reagan! You had this thing for Kerry all the way, didn’t you?!

Reagan: Uh, yes, Chris, I did. And for a long time I was the only Democrat on this panel. As I recall, you were pretty much all over the greasy black c*ck of Satan there, yourself.